A Crunchier 2009?

Well I do have a lot of fun on this little blog o' mine. A suggestion I've gotten to get some more readers is to update on a regular basis. Well, what a jolly good idea. So for 2009, I'll be attempting to stick to some sort of schedule that updates regularly. In addition, I'll be messing around with some new layouts. Whoever does read the Crunch, I appreciate you reading and hope to see you in 2009 for a great new year. Cheers and Blessings, Kathleen

P.S. Thanks to all who participated in the Thaddeus Chan poll. Sorry, Thaddeus, the people have spoken. 

Royal Ties

With all of the hoopla surrounding the recent Blagojevich senate seat swindle, you'd think people would not be as eager to announce they are talking to Hillary Clinton about "their interest in her seat." (Not to mention, it just doesn't sound good.)

Errr, what exactly is the process for replacing a Senator? New York Governor David Paterson is responsible for picking out the temporary replacement, and all of a sudden there is a rush of people eager to fill the bill. It just seems so...unofficial. I don't understand why there can't be a vote...seems like a big decision for one person.

Not to mention, a voteless decision is a contest for those who have political ties, not those who the public is in favor of. As such, a bunch of political ragamuffins have started talking about how they might want the seat, like it's a Christmas present. "Well, I might want that....." Caroline Kennedy Straussberg ditched the Straussberg part of her name and is running as a Kennedy! Just doesn't seem quite right. Has New York been informed we are now under our own rule, and don't have to follow the political royal bloodlines?

Moving on to other things that don't seem right, but are royal.... Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that has “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

http://www.firemeetsdesire.com

Okay, whoever at Crispin Porter + Boguski advertising is seriously coming up with some loony ideas. Well done!

Facebook Gumshoe

I received an intriguing friend request on my Facebook account:


I do not have the pleasure of knowing Thaddeus. I wonder what he wants from me. I'm sort of inclined to find out. Perhaps he and I can start up a rigorous debate about Malaysian/US economics. Maybe he knows about my blog, and just finds it hilarious.

But on further observation of Thaddeus' friend list, he's a business rep looking to advertise!

Oh, well, since I kind of respect anyone that thinks people just click on confirm so they can have 500 friends, and therefore can sell their product, let me probe deeper. I observe on his public page that he has two different websites, http://mynusystem.com and a Facebook page on Galvanic Spa. Mr. Chan is a purveyor of beauty regimens!

For over two decades, Nu Skin has passionately pursued the creation of products and resources to help millions of people around the world find their paths to a beautiful future. Founded in 1984 with a commitment to providing quality skin care that features only premium, wholesome ingredients, Nu Skin remains true to this "all of the good, none of the bad" heritage today, developing innovative products that support the health and longevity of skin and hair.

Okay, I can roll with that. Well done. But then one of their flagship products raises an alarm flag.

Treatments with the Galvanic Spa System Instrument lasting five minutes or more can enhance the delivery of key ingredients for up to 24 hours. There is also a thingy called the AGELOC. The Galvanic Spa System features a proprietary, patented instrument with four interchangeable conductors:

• Face Conductor—offers all of the benefits of the original fixed face conductor, while adding the flexibility of being removable for other conductor use and other treatment applications.
• Scalp Conductor—this comb-like conductor is easy to pull through your hair, maintaining crucial contact between the conductor and your scalp.
• Body Conductor—three rounded nodes maximize surface area contact for wider coverage and better massaging action.
• Spot Treatment Conductor—this conductor head utilizes a flat, smooth, oval shaped treatment node that centralizes surface contact area. This node provides better contact with the skin and helps deliver a more concentrated treatment.

I have grown concerned about the constant use of the word "Conductor". Maybe a picture will help.

Hmmmmmm.

No, no help.So I find the http://www.nuskin.com website. And it all comes together. The science of this revolutionary product is revealed:



This is an Internal free radical generator on cell's surface. (I know; it looks like a popped zit, eh?)
Together with Purdue University Nu Skin has discovered a previously unknown internal source of aging, this source of internal aging is capable of generating free radicals in the epidermis around the clock.

AROUND THE CLOCK???!!!!!

So, in order to SCOURGE these little deviants you must zap them with the FACE CONDUCTOR! This technology is patent-pending and they have a very serious group of advisors behind this endeavor. None of which look like they have not enjoyed the use of the CONDUCTOR.

In fact, the fellow on the left needs other advisers to tell him that a cornflower blue suit is not the best choice. Maybe Men's Wearhouse founder and CEO George Zimmerman. (Studio Audience applause)

Maybe that dude is his estranged brother, Carl, who wears those suits in defiance to his brother's insistence that he will like the way he looks in Men's Wearhouse suite, he guaraneffin'tees it. Every holiday at the Zimmerman household is a horror as Carl shows up in his thrift store finest and George starts drinking heavily.So anyway, I came up with some startling business research that indicates their patent might not go through. It seems as though some very smart scientists have also been working on similar products:

And the results are amazing:


So in conclusion, no Thaddeus Chan, I will not approve you as a friend on Facebook. I hate to be harsh, but I'm not sure you have my best interests at heart. And I don't want to follow your increasingly dark status updates as the product that you hock goes to pot. I can't travel that road with you, Thaddeus Chan. However, I will leave it up to my legion of readers..a poll is in the sidebar. Please, only one vote per person; I don't want the servers to blow.

One-Stop Shopping

I came across ChristmasCentral.com; a lovely little online shop fufilling all your Christmas needs:

Ah, Looks Nice right. Then what the heck.....

Weekly Crunch- November 14

The Weekly Crunch- November 14, 2008
Holiday Shopping Edition!

Well, it's a great time to get your shopping done early this year. The Crunch has compiled a list of admirable gifts that your recipient will enjoy without breaking your budget. Take the Teddy Bear Lamp from Uncommon Goods. Did he come back from the vet with his cone put the wrong way? Is his head on fire? HAHA! No one knows....

Head on over to Archie McPhee and pick up strange sundries for your friends and family. Featured here are squirrel underpants. There is also a highly-recommended inflatable fruitcake.

At Mental Floss, there is a periodic table shower curtain. Reading material no longer needed in the bathroom with this fine accessory. The perfect gift for the child who will yell in 8th grade, "That table is on my shower curtain!" and then will be mocked and scorned until the 10 year reunion when all those punks are working at Arby's and Dr. Periodic Table on the Shower curtain just came up with the cure for cancer.

Baron Bob is offering a special Yule Doo ornament. I can't top the description from the website: The Yule Doo Christmas Ornament can turn a crappy holiday into an even crappier one. This magnificent piece of poo is sprinkled with glitter and comes ready to hang with a red & green satin ribbon. Fear not, the Yule Doo ornament is unscented. Also of note: the Runny Nose shower gel dispenser.

And last, you can always run over to the clearance section of Crazy Goods.Here is my serious list of some of the best Baltimore stuff (you can ship and order online too!):

Glarus Chocolatier- My friend Angela found this delight when visiting Baltimore. So I can't take credit but I can say. it is, hands down, the best chocolate I have ever had. And I've had a lot of chocolate. Everything from this store is fantastic.

Your Body Needs Signature Blends- My friend Rose has her own line of lotions and potions made from 100% pure essential oils. Now, not only is Rose the nicest person in the world, so I think she infuses her blends with good karma, but these products smell heavenly, natural, and fresh. Her website has a great chart for picking the right blend for you.

I'll have more as time progresses and it becomes impractical to order online. Procrastinators unite! Oh and one more thing:

Weekly Crunch- Oct 31

Votes!

Tuesday is the very exciting day we've all been waiting for... where we can stop seeing these stupid ridiculous ads. And it brings the special people who approve these messages and their followers stand on the side of the road and wave at you, hoping to change your mind through their expression of cheer. Well, voting day doesn't just have to yield you a sticker that "You Voted" that allows you to shout at every person without a sticker "I VOTED! YOU'RE A JERK!" See what the coting attendant says when you ask for some extra stickers, "for your friends".

Marketing News

Gentlemen are being insulted by the new Axe brand packaging. The Axe Detailer Shower Tool??? Are you (and by you I mean Axe marketers) serious??! If a guy was that dead set about not seeming like a wuss in the shower, he'd just scrape his funk off with a trowel.

I might present a new line of "man items" when I have better graphics software at my disposal. I don't think men are fooled by this marketing ploy. Isn't it kind of more wussy to use a specially fabricated "body detailer tool" in the vein of trying to seem manly, then just, you know, slathering up with a var of Ivory? It floats, you know.

Music News

I've had Bell Biv Devoe in my head all week. It goes between the classic hit "Do Me", and "Poison". I want to ask someone to knock me out. I'll take the theme of Gilligan's Island over this.

I'd like to pass on the pain to any of my 1990's bretheren, along with a literary analysis of the song in orange.

Lyrics to Poison :

[Michael Bivins:] Yeah, Spiderman and Freeze in full effect (We don't know who those characters are.)

[Ronnie DeVoe:] Uh-huh

[Ricky Bell:] You ready, Ron? (asking, no doubt, to see if DeVoe is coherent after his mumbled response)

[DeVoe:] I'm ready (Ronnie confirms his conciousness. Everyone is relieved)

[Bell:] You ready, Biv?

[Bivins:] I'm ready, Slick, are you?

[Bell:] Oh, yeah, break it down (Bell is eager to get on with it, perhaps uncomfortable that Biv called him "Slick".)

[Verse 1: Ricky Bell] Girl, I, must(warrrrrn yoooooooooou) (there's danger a'comin')

I sense something strange in my mind

Situation is (seriooooooooous)

Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time (Bell has no helpful suggestions as to how to cure it, however)

It's oh, so (beautifuuuuuuuuul)

Relationships they seem from the start

It's all so (deadllllllllly)

When love is not together from the heart

[Hook:]It's drivin' me out of my mind!

That's why it's HARD for me to find

Can't get it out of my head!

Miss her, kiss her, love her

(Wrong move you're dead!) So, really, we find that Bell should not have been warning this girl about anything. She is the poison. He should have removed himself from the situation.

[Chorus:]

That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Never trust a big butt and smile (This is the song's thesis statement.)

that girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOON..

("POISON!!" - Kool G. Rap) (Good Job Kool G. Rap! (everyone look appreciative. I don't think this guy is all there. His rap name is Kool G. Rap, people.) Awesome! I like the way you say Poison, like ya mean it!)

[Verse 2:]

[If I were you I'd take pre-](-cautiooooooooooooon)

Before I start to meet fly girl, you know?

'Cause in some (portiooooooooooons) (Hmmm. That's a vocabulary stretch just for some rhyming, me thinks).

You'll think she's the best thing in the world

She's so - (flyyyyyyyyyyyy)

She'll drive you right out of your mind

and steal your heart when you're blind

Beware she's schemin', she'll make you think you're dreamin'

YOU'LL fall in love and you'll be screamin', demon, HOO..

[Rap Verse: Ronnie Devoe]Poison, deadly, movin it slow

Lookin for a mellow fellow like DeVoe

Gettin paid, laid, so better lay low

Schemin on house, money, and the whole show

The low pro hoe she'll be cut like an aaa-FRO (Cut like an Afro? I don't understand)

See what you're sayin', huh, she's weighin' you

But I know she's a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her! (ahhhh! so is Devoe truly a good representative for facts? He obviously has hidden and deep-seeded issue regarding her.)

POISOOOOOOOOOOOON...

[Kool G. Rap:] ("POISON!!")[Mixing of Kool G. Rap's "POISON!!"] (Good job Kool G.! Maybe after this we'll go for an ice cream.)

[Michael Bivins:]I was at the bar, shake, breakin and takin 'em all

And that night, I played the wall

Checkin out the fellas, the highs and lows (Hmmm. So he swings both ways. Interesting.)

Keepin one eye open, still clockin' the hoes (using a stopwatch, perhaps?)

There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest

Poison as can be, the high power chest (the "high power chest" is something a lot of women ask for when going to a plastic surgeon.)

Michael Biv here and I'm runnin' the show Are you Biv? Or are you scared of the lady?

Bell, Biv DeVoe [Ronnie laughs]..now you know! Yo, Slick, blow.. (Slick has gotten a head cold, and they are helping him blow his nose. It brings up a good point..that the song should end so Slick can go get some rest.)

Ol' People Ain't Kidding

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17782609/detail.html

Ummm.....

What parents are bringing charges against this elderly woman for taking their kids' football when they wouldn't stay out of her yard? This goes against the NATURAL LAW OF MR. WILSON:

This law states: If thou are under the age of 13, and engage in the dangerous gameplay of "taunt the elderly", you are likely to lose possessions and be told on for undue mischief. And for parents, those nosy neighbors are the same ones that will call you when your 15-year old just exited his window on a rope made of sheets. Unless you piss them off when your child is younger. Then, hey, none of their business.

It's part of childhood to have older neighbors yell at you some of the time and give you cookies the rest of the time. And it's always scary to know a distinctly cranky older person lives somewhere and you should avoid said property. It's a life lesson.

Ragamuffin 1: "What's that place?"

Ragamuffin 2:"That's ol' man Jenkins' place. You don't want to go there. He put kids in bottles like ships."

Ragamuffin 1:"oooooo. let's go around."

I mean, when I'm older and I have a bunch of punks around my property, I'm going to get into some creepy bathrobe and stand in the window staring until some lightning comes and illuminates me.

Heck, I might do that tonight!

October 17- Weekly Crunch Pumpkin Edition

The Crunch has been a little inactive lately. Hopefully getting back on the right track.

Politics
Heavens to Betsy, is it over yet? I'm going to run to my poll on Election Day kicking my heels up to not see more debate, ads and new stories on the election. You know what's creepy? When they are debating, and one candidate starts talking, and the other one just starts quietly smirking and laughing. Isn't that kind of odd? It's like they are kids being talked to at the dinner table by their parents. An eye roll or a big sigh would do nicely with the scenario as well, since that's what they are going for.

And then the post-debate discomfort hug (as seen in picture):

"Ok Mom and Dad we're making up. Ok, that's enough. Let go!"
"I'm not letting go until you do."
"We're going to get in trouble again. Quit It!"


Advertising

Remember when I went all karate chop on Sherwin Williams? Well, I was driving and once again saw a truck with a disturbing logo. This time it was the motto that got me.







Does America truly have a "favorite mushroom"? Mushrooms grow in the wet nasty parts of the woods. Now, I eat them, but I don't want to think about them too hard, cause they are kind of gross. I think it's a stretch to claim that our nation has a favorite mushroom. I gamble that if you asked them, 75% would giggle and say, "uh...magic mushrooms?" Not: "Giorgio mushrooms are the best tasting fungus around!! They're a NATIONAL FAVORITE!"

"DaDalala break me off a piece of that... gross. mush. room."

Communications

The other day I was driving and acidentally hit the AM station button. Some pleasant lady talking about fire and damnation was on. I don't really understand why there is still AM radio. Am I missing something? Wikipedia offers some suggestions, including... Some musical genres – particularly country, oldies, nostalgia and ethnic/world music – survive on AM, especially in areas where FM frequencies are in short supply or in thinly populated or mountainous areas where FM coverage is poor. That's understandable. But couldn't the technology be updated? There are satellite radio services, but why is there no satellite free service with lots of advertising? It's nostalgic, I'll give you that, especially with that ol' time crackly sound, but with podcasts, internet technologies, satellites you'd think it would become obsolete. I'm intrigued. (Awesome old dude photo courtesy of johnnyb4, Johnny Barker's awesome photography gallery here. Overuse of word Awesome? Priceless.)

Errrr, hi!

Okay, so anytime I seem to set a deadline for myself things seem to get messed up. I've been pretty busy lately so there has been no weekly crunch. So, I'm going to do what I can this weekend to get one out. Cheers!

MicroAnalysis

Are you like me? Or are you like THEM?

You know, those people that put things in the microwave for a ludicrously long time and just walk away. As opposed to myself, where I heat things up in short 30 second bursts, convinced something will spark or blow up or overheat or smoke or burst into flame. My nervousness regarding the microwave is something to behold, but I think it's very warranted. Ever put a cup that you didn't realize had steel in it in the microwave? It's like commandos are attacking your kitchen. Ever see a hot dog blow up in the microwave? Me neither, but I know it can happen, and it ain't happening to me.

Who are these people that have such careless regard for the microwave?

Remember when microwaves first came out? They would come with these extensive cookbooks. It was like you could use the microwave to cook anything- roast a chicken, bake a cake. No one actually does that, do they? Here's the one my mom had when we got our first microwave in 1986:


Someone has apparantly had their microwave rosette a carrot. You have to program that feature in. But here's the cookbook my grandmother had that always stymied me:


Behold! On the cover, a ROAST CHICKEN. When I think about it, the only stuff I put in the microwave are things made for it. I never COOK with the thing. It seems like it would be off-putting. But really, back in the day the microwave was the cooking of the future. This gives me a negative viewpoint for eventual food replication, which looked so appetizing as Counselor Troy ordered a triple fudge sundae on Star Trek the Next Generation. (yes, 2nd Star Trek reference in the blog. Geek and freak, right here) What happens if replication "doesn't taste like Mom and Dad's cooking?" Kids will be whining at their exhausted parents, who were at work all day mining Mars, "weeee don't waaaant anything frommm the replicator."

Will we have to child proof the replicator like the internet? Kids can't replicate junk food without prior approval. Cerrtain parents will take it too far. "You can only replicate carrots and apples for snacks".

"Well, I'll just go to Jimmy's house. His parents let him replicate Ding-Dongs!"

Sidenote, how funny of a Star Trek episode would that be if Captain Picard leaned in toward the replicator and said in his English accent....

"Ding-Dong. Cold."

Back to the microwave, I like too how it is considered safe for kids to cook with the microwave. It's not an easy-bake oven. Yes, it is not hot on the outside. But get the wrong dish that seemed microwave safe, and you have a boiling hot scalding bowl to take out of there. And that just isn't worth the Easy Mac.

The Weekly Crunch- September 12

Weather Watch- I've never seen weather people get so excited as when there is a storm. Weather casters are already stationed in the most strategic positions to get the best "action wind shots". If news, it's not the weather. I trust the radar; no need to confirm the journalistic credibility by seeing people out in abnormally high winds.

Paparazzi News: Kanye West got arrested for scrapping with the paparazzi. I would smash their camera too. (and I do, whenever they are following me) People always say, "if you are that famous, you ask for it." My view is, you don't ask to get famous. You work as an actor making no money or as a DJ, or a singer, then you get a role in a big movie, or a record deal (who is going to say no?), people think they know you, and then you're being pursued by a pack of wildebeasts on scooters shouting blasphemies about your mother. I think they need to write a clause for paparazzi that essentially says, you are on your own risk level if you want your pictures. There are nice ones, I've seen it, but then there are some real jerks out there.

A Zoinks! Moment- Okay, if you want quite a spectacle, head on over to the SciFi channel for Destination Truth. The basis is that a team of "researchers" travel the globe in search of living representatives of myths and tall tales. Let's talk about the one episode I watched and ended up yelling at the TV. These dorks go up to to a deep lake in Iceland looking for a Worm Monster. They wait until night, and then steal out into the loch on a wee boat, traveling with a sonar kit but not much else. They travel to the middle of the foggy lake. Then, gasp! they are lost..with, as the voiceover says, "With no GPS or compass of any kind". Essentially these foghats get themselves in Scooby Doo-like mysteries and do the STUPIDEST thing possible. The lead fellow didn't even wear at hat, and starts complaining, "The temparature is dropping, and we are open to the elements." These people are like the stupid people in a horror movie going into the woods after hearing a horrible noise. "Hey! Who's there? Jimmy is that you? Jimmy, haha stop messing around. He...lll. o.....CRUNCH. GOBBLE." It's extremely irritating and entertaining at the same time.
I Elect to Stop Hearing About the Election. I cannot wait until this thing is over. We haven't even gotten to the debates yet. It's historical in many ways, and it's interesting to watch SOMETIMES, but overload central. But I did find this great T-shirt you can buy on http://www.thinkgeek.com.

Blogger Behaving Badly

I have committed a blog crime. I vanished without notice and without update. I moved so things were a little disorganized for awhile. Thanks for all your hundreds of comments. (Or, you know, the one reader Glen wrote) There will be a crunch for tomorrow. Cheers!

Georgia On My Mind

So while China was having a Milli Vanilli Olympics moment at the expense of a small child (really nice, people), Russia seized the opportunity to seize. I admit, I don't know all the political ramifications or reasons behind the conflict between Russia and Georgia. I've been reading up on it and trying to get educated.

The situation is no laughing matter; people are hurt and the situation looks very bad. But when I did hear about it; just for a split second, I thought, "What If some country Invaded OUR Georgia here in the US." I believe they'd have a difficult go of it.

I present to you the top principles of the Invasion of the State of Georgia Defense Battleplan:

1. First of all, they would have to deal with General Ludicrous, who I think would step to the plate to lead the defense. It would give them pause to deal with someone named General Ludicrous, as it is the same type of Moniker as Cap'n Crazy or Lt. Loony. And, you know, I wouldn't mess with the guy.
   
   
2. Our strategy could lead our attackers into the Atlanta airport, which is the most poorly designed airport in the world. There, they could be herded onto the train of inefficiency that take passengers to the gate. Then, they could get onto planes that would just sit on the runway for hours.
   
   
3. There are a lot of Civil War re-enactors down there that I don't think would mind jumping into the fray.
   
   
4. Have you seen pissed-off Southern women? Never ends well.
   

But back to reality, perhaps it can all be summarized by the following statement made by a Georgian blogger:, "I cant help wondering if Russia would [have] been audacious enough to defy international law if there wasn't a trend in defying it set by the U.S. over the years." So maybe with the November election, we can start to lead more by example.

PS: This issue also covered by The Reasonable Ego.

Good News is a Tall Order

I haven't been getting too hyped up about the economy problems as of late. I've curbed my spending, I try to drive less, I sell organs I don't need; whatever. Then a bit of news came crashing through my world like a drunk-driven meteor:

• From NPR.....Starbucks will close more than 600 shops in the U.S. in the coming months, which analysts say is a consequence of the chain's spreading too far, too fast.Seattle-based Starbucks did not say which stores will be closed, only that they are spread throughout the country. But it did say most of the outlets on the chopping block are new Starbucks stores that have been open only since 2006.
  

WE GOT A GRANDE PROBLEM HERE PEOPLE!!!

Look, I know the standard lines.

• "Why the hell would I pay 4.00 for a freakin' coffee??" I'll tell ya why, Jim Bob, because it's a little piece of Seattle and a little piece of Italy all wrapped up in a well-decorated and classy environment. But if you want to go to the Mobil and chug-a-gug crap coffee made with tap water you go right ahead. Oh, and it's not COFFEE that's 4.00, it's an espresso drink made just right by your friendly barrista.
  

• "Why do they have to use words that aren't ENGLISH and aren't ITALIAN either?" Is it really that hard to learn Tall, Grande and Venti? Don't flip out, Martha, it's not like you are learnin' Latin. A verbis ad verbera.
  
  
• "I don't need a Starbucks cup as a status symbol." Well, neither do I, Frank. It's just what it comes in when you order the beverage.

Blog Note: Jim Bob, Martha and Frank are fictional names representing real people.

You don't see people working on their laptops in Dunkin' Donuts. (Actually, update, reader Kate does, and commented as such. And yes, the wording was ambiguous, but I was not questioning the cleanliness of The Dunk. A new paragraph seems to have fixed it.)

Starbucks is clean, plays nice music, has a nice ambiance, and you can order cocoa if you don't like coffee.

The biggest reason for me is that it makes me feel.....at home. I've been to Starbucks in Seattle, Tucson, Denver, New York, London, Atlanta, Orlando, etc. etc. etc. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling. Most of them have the same feel... laid back.

Sigh. This is the first thing about the economy that has broken my bubble of denial.

Weekly Crunch- August 1

My original idea for this blog, back about 2 years ago, was to comment on things I found silly or interesting that happened during the week, because I was always talking about entertainment/politics/stupid things at work. Hence the Water-Cooler Worthy logo.

I never really got it going, and then was inspired by Danielle over at Captain Porkchops to just start writing, because her blog is honest and hilarious and always makes my day. And I was a writing major in college, and I have found technical writing to not fill any kind of void on creativity.

Now it's occurred to me that I should attempt to also achieve the original idea. So, if you please; the first "Weekly Crunch". It's a little sparse since this week I was in Florida and dealing with other things. But I'm starting now so I can get in the habit of having it every Friday.

Weekly Crunch- July 25-31, 2008

• Nutrition: New FANCY M&Ms Revealed- This whole new marketing scheme for chocolate with it's ANTIOXIDANTS and FANCY BLENDS is totally fine by me. I'm willing to go along with it. But upon entering CVS this afternoon, now M&Ms have what's called "The Premier Collection" Errrr...was it necessary to go there? You can read more about wacky candy marketing at Mars INSANE website that promotes....health. I love a Mars bar, but I'm not sure I can go for that. (If you are going to try new premier M&MS, don't tell Guy Ritchie).
  
  
• Technology: There is a new search engine at http://www.cuil.com. Apparantly it's just tubular.
  
  
• Movie News: The trailer for the new Harry Potter has come out, as well as the trailer for Twilight, based on Stephanie Meyer's addictive series. Also, the fourth book in her series, titled Breaking Dawn, will be out August 2. I don't know what it is about this series, but it pulls ya in.
  

Weird Bits:

• Reach out to those you love.
• The More You Know...
• Taking You Back.
  
• Trying to Go Back.
  

Fight or Flight

Okay, so I was coming back from Florida and was not in the best of spirits. My dad is battling cancer, and it sucks and I just wanted to listen to my ipod and stare out the window.

Lo and behold, the following stereotypical items all happened to me:
1. The 6- year old child behind me kept kicking my seat. Hard. Apparently grandma thought was ok for little precious to do this, unbuckle her seatbelt during takeoff, put her feet up on the window, and jump up and down on the seat mid-flight. Now I have a lot of respect for parents when they bring their little ones onto a plane. It’s challenging, I know. So I was proud of myself at first for putting up with it quietly. When I did start making the passive-aggressive head motion of looking behind me, grandma started glaring at me. And that’s when I started to get pissed. But apparently not as much as the flight attendant, who came by every five minutes to tell the girl to get in her seat because, as she put it the third time, "the plane can hit turbulence and you'd hit your head".

2. Really tall guy sits next to me. That’s fine, airplane seats suck, not his fault. But it was his fault that he had to read the paper like he was sitting in a booth getting his shoes shined. He was so in my bubble. It’s not the Bible, dude; fold those pages.

3. Every 20 minutes, somebody let loose with an obnoxious fart that wafted over the cabin like a storm that never ends.

They say that we Americans are the worst with having to have personal space. I don’t know how other cultures do it. The Japanese people pretty much are crammed like sardines into trains. Maybe I need to go to one of these highly populated small countries, come back, and I’ll feel like I have a seat in first class.

Making Peace

I am terrified of spiders. I don't know what it is; if they had 2 or 4 less legs they would be just like every other bug. I think it's the mobility that scares me. They are sort of like the Navy seals of bugs. After a rather alarming hiking incident a few years back I made a pact with them. The incident was this: I was hiking, I turned around and saw a daddy-long leg spider. I hiked a little more, and now there were 3, and they were PURSUING me. I stopped, they stopped. I went on a little, so did they. When I turned back around I could have sworn they were looking around whistling. When I told people about it, even my hiking companion (you know who you are), they didn't believe me. Well, I like a good joke as much as the next person. If I was a spider, and could tell human fear (which I think they can) I would probably gather my friends up and say, "Let's run after this chick. It'll be HILARIOUS." Not to mention the joke later where they all perched on top of the tent and their shadows looked giant on my sleeping bag. Yup, good times, daddy-os. Anyway, my pact was this...I will leave them alone. I will not kill their kind. Spiders have popped up in my life all over the place. When I was a kid they were on my pillow. In the bathroom? Scuttling across the floor. In a house, in a boat, in a car, with a goat. In school and in the pool. Trying to kill them is a hunt of unimaginable proportions. It's like a horror movie where the bad guy just won't die. The most dire situation is when you simply injure the spider and it runs away to gather ammunition for revenge. I decided it wasn't worth it. I'm not keen on killing things anyway. So I was not surprised to see two suddenly with no warning take up residence in the corner of my bedroom. And here is the thing. Have you seen a microscopic view of a daddy-long-leg? I was going to display one to show the horror. So I googled it. And I find myself strangely at peace seeing it's little wee turtle-shaped head. But if you look at it, it's really got quite a cute little face. (It's the tiny head poking out of the giant pink horrible sack). So my friend/savior Angela came to my rescue and scooped them up in a cup and threw them outside. And I felt a bit more at peace about it.

Picture Surprise

Do you remember that episode of the Twilight Zone where the fellow was flying on a plane and he looks out and there is some weird monster dude hanging out on the wing mid-flight? This episode always freaked me out but I also think it's a concept that's kind of funny. On SNL, Andy Samburg did a great sketch of the suddenly-appearing person.

Well another aspect of this phenomenon is when you take pictures and realize later there is a random person in the background. And usually, they are looking at the camera with possession-like intensity. So this happened to me this past weekend. My friends and I had a girl's weekend for my cousin's birthday. Here they are in Blue Ridge, GA enjoying lunch:

Nice pic, if it wasn't for chilling Frau Helga peering from the bushes. Let's look more up close, shall we?


Frau Helga stared at the group of girls, enraged. "Why, those little tarties didn't even smile at me when they passed," she's thinking, " I'm going to make them into a stew."

Potty All the Time!

Women have a lot of crazy stuff to do in the bathroom. There's a lot of navigation for us that men don't have to go through.

I've always been fascinated by the bathroom. When I was a kid, it was a way to take a break from a boring dinner out, or wander around aimlessly. It apparantly was also a way to drive my mother batty, knowing that as soon as we got somewhere I would have to go. And it's not like she could say no; because I might really have to go. There's something unsettling about a 7 year old who is really excited to go check out the bathroom.

Anyhoo, I wish I could say I grew out of it, but nay. A weak bladder and a sense of misadventure gives you an appreciation of a nice bathroom. Best bathroom I have ever been in? Has been when I was visiting my friend Angela's last hotel of employment, the JW Marriott Starr Pass in Tucson. I would pay to simply stay in the bathroom.

Worst? This port-o-potty in Italy featured to the left that was just a hole in the plastic, and then before you could say holy manicotti disinfectant was sprayed all over the bottom of the thing, soaking feet as well. It's apparantly the one thing in Italy that is done in haste. Everything else, luggage delivery, eating, directions, takes a freakin' half of a day. I emerged reeking of Pine-Sol and no better for it.

Is it weird to say I feel safer in an airplane lavatory? For some reason I've always envisioned that if the plane went down, I would be safe, screeching to a halt and fully encapsulated in the pod of the bathroom.

Is it weird that when I worked for the Air Force as a civilian I was the only girl in our building, which made me the only one to use the bathroom, which made falling asleep for 2 hours on the toilet one day due to "college stress" (i.e. staying up until 4am watching Mystery Science Theater 3000) seem pretty normal, since it was my bathroom anyway? Well, don't answer that, I know it's weird.

But then I was thinking about it. My friend Stephanie and I went to the REM concert at the outdoor Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD the other day. As with most concerts, the bathroom line was long and the bathroom was disgusting. By the time I got up to the stall, got in, it was too late to bow out just because the door didn't lock. Without missing a beat, I adopted the following stance:

As you can see, I had a sizable purse, which could not be put on the ground for fear of contamination. So, I clenched it in my teeth. The door didn't lock and there were a lot of people, so I leaned forward and closed the door with my head. Additional challenges include the standard not sitting on the seat, and being unable to obtain a square of toilet paper in the oh-so-helpful dispenser.

It was gross. It was done quickly. But dammit, I felt a rush of pride for my gender. Look at all we endure! As I balanced my forehead against the crappy wooden door that failed to lock, I thought, "wow, I'm a tough chick! look at this! and i know all my friends have done this." Well, except my friend Simona who refuses to use any public restroom.

It was a good feeling. As I ran my hands under the scalding hot water, squirted out the non-existent soap in the dispenser, and pulled the lever only to be gravely disappointed by the lack of a paper towel, I glowed with my pride. Then I went home and took a scalding hot shower and used lot of hand sanitizer, because, let's admit it, I wouldn't have done that unless I absolutely freakin' had to.

It's Not Unusual for Anyone to Read This

Tom Jones, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone..."

This song was going through my head the other day. Then I thought, what the hell does that mean?? "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone"? So, it's commonplace for anyone at all to love you? Do they know you? Why are they considered anyone then??

I realize this is a stupid post, but I just haven't been too inspired lately. And it gives you some rich food for thought. And some jazzy eye candy to the left.

Ol' Irish Yarn

Here's the thing: I come from a big ol' Irish family. The biggest thing I would say that is among all of us is that we can sure tell a tale.

The story could be that Uncle Joe went to the store to get bread and they were out. It turns into Uncle Joe had to driving through DRIVING WINDS AND HAIL and then got to the store and the manager came out and yelled at him because he knew the guy that Uncle Joe worked with from the electric company, who said Uncle Joe was a jerk. Well, turns out that guy said that because he was clinically insane. So, really there was no bread but there is no telling what the crazy guy's manager friend did before Uncle Joe got to the bread aisle. Oh. and the cashier revealed that she has gout.

It's something my cousin Sara (featured in pic) and I talk about all the time. We talk about it with fondness, and irritation, and make every attempt to not do it although I would imagine we fail terribly, and it is simply karma that we will tell our kids outrageous stories about her growing up in New Hampshire and battling 10 feet of snow, and me in New York battling...uh...the mob? Yeah, that's it; the mob!

Well, I don't know what got me thinking about this, but I started to think of all the little things that have been told over the years in our family that have gotten quite mythological in nature. Here are my top favorites.

1. Grandpa said he was a terrible person.
Our family is Irish Catholic, meaning that we have giant guilt attacks over small things and blow them into giant, God-smulching acts. Grandpa, who was the patriarch and leader of telling an entertaining tale, would look at Sara and I and say, very seriously and rather cryptically, "Pray for your grandpa. He's done some bad things". We would both promptly burst into laughter. My grandfather was many things- an excellent host for a party, a chocoholic, a purveyor of fine port and smokes; a mysterious guilt-ridden sinner he was not. Especially because he, like many in our family, had OCD, and had to tell everybody every "bad thing" he had done. "I ate the last of the ice cream, ma," he would tell my grandmother, somber and contrite. "You bozo!" she'd laugh.

2. Mom said she had a glass eye.
I was quite little and I was on my mother's lap. She proceeded to rub her eye and it made some sort of squeak noise. I asked why. She looked at me and said very seriously, "Honey, mommy has a glass eye." It was ridiculous. I was very concerned though, for my mother had obviously lost her eye in some sort of accident. "Do you take it out?!" I demanded. "How long have you had it?" She then told me she was kidding, but the damage was done. I eyed her eye suspiciously for about a year.

3. Aunt Eileen claims that if you get your tongue pierced, you could get tongue cancer.
Aunt Eileen is Sara's mother. Sara had her nose, ears and bellybutton pierced at various times, which I believe Auntie Ei also assigned those appendages a horrible mutilating disease if she pierced them. I guess if she went to the trouble of coming up with these consequences to convince her daughter not to get them, she did not appreciate Sara and I arguing with her about the medical validity of her claims.

4. Mom and Dad claim that I will be spotlighted while bowling.
Ok, this one really gets my goat. I was really nervous about going bowling for the first time (I don't know why, I was a nervous kid, okay?) My parents asked me if I would be okay when the guy on the loudspeaker announced my name and everyone turned to look as I bowled. 'Nuff said. I spent the entire time waiting to be "called out", and then was oddly disappointed when I was not. It's the yin and yang of my horoscope of Leo.

5. Sister makes claim of eventual pig nose.
My second grade teacher, Mrs. McAuley, blew her nose in an interesting way. She would forcefully blow, and then move her fingers around in her nose with the tissue, clearly removing all debris and making it squeaky clean. I appreciated the habit and began to do this myself. My sister Meg apparantly thought this was WEIRD and told me, "if you do that, even for like a little while longer, you are going to have a giant pig nose. And it will never go back." I was horrified but could not go back to just blowing and wiping without getting the internal refuse. Well, I'm going to be 30 in a month, and NO PIG NOSE MEG. YET. (though I did stop with the circular cleansing motion. It was a tad weird."

6. Aunt Maryann.
Aunt Maryann is my Aunt who is the eldest sibling on my mother's side. Therefore, she has the dubious distinction of having the longest time for all her punk-ass little brothers and sisters to make up stories about her. Including:Aunt Maryann WRAPPED A CAR AROUND A TREE. (It's always said with an emphasis that would make you believe she seriously performed some feat of physics). She banged a car up when learning to drive is what the story really is.