Weekly Crunch- Oct 31

Votes!

Tuesday is the very exciting day we've all been waiting for... where we can stop seeing these stupid ridiculous ads. And it brings the special people who approve these messages and their followers stand on the side of the road and wave at you, hoping to change your mind through their expression of cheer. Well, voting day doesn't just have to yield you a sticker that "You Voted" that allows you to shout at every person without a sticker "I VOTED! YOU'RE A JERK!" See what the coting attendant says when you ask for some extra stickers, "for your friends".

Marketing News

Gentlemen are being insulted by the new Axe brand packaging. The Axe Detailer Shower Tool??? Are you (and by you I mean Axe marketers) serious??! If a guy was that dead set about not seeming like a wuss in the shower, he'd just scrape his funk off with a trowel.

I might present a new line of "man items" when I have better graphics software at my disposal. I don't think men are fooled by this marketing ploy. Isn't it kind of more wussy to use a specially fabricated "body detailer tool" in the vein of trying to seem manly, then just, you know, slathering up with a var of Ivory? It floats, you know.

Music News

I've had Bell Biv Devoe in my head all week. It goes between the classic hit "Do Me", and "Poison". I want to ask someone to knock me out. I'll take the theme of Gilligan's Island over this.

I'd like to pass on the pain to any of my 1990's bretheren, along with a literary analysis of the song in orange.

Lyrics to Poison :

[Michael Bivins:] Yeah, Spiderman and Freeze in full effect (We don't know who those characters are.)

[Ronnie DeVoe:] Uh-huh

[Ricky Bell:] You ready, Ron? (asking, no doubt, to see if DeVoe is coherent after his mumbled response)

[DeVoe:] I'm ready (Ronnie confirms his conciousness. Everyone is relieved)

[Bell:] You ready, Biv?

[Bivins:] I'm ready, Slick, are you?

[Bell:] Oh, yeah, break it down (Bell is eager to get on with it, perhaps uncomfortable that Biv called him "Slick".)

[Verse 1: Ricky Bell] Girl, I, must(warrrrrn yoooooooooou) (there's danger a'comin')

I sense something strange in my mind

Situation is (seriooooooooous)

Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time (Bell has no helpful suggestions as to how to cure it, however)

It's oh, so (beautifuuuuuuuuul)

Relationships they seem from the start

It's all so (deadllllllllly)

When love is not together from the heart

[Hook:]It's drivin' me out of my mind!

That's why it's HARD for me to find

Can't get it out of my head!

Miss her, kiss her, love her

(Wrong move you're dead!) So, really, we find that Bell should not have been warning this girl about anything. She is the poison. He should have removed himself from the situation.

[Chorus:]

That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Never trust a big butt and smile (This is the song's thesis statement.)

that girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOON..

("POISON!!" - Kool G. Rap) (Good Job Kool G. Rap! (everyone look appreciative. I don't think this guy is all there. His rap name is Kool G. Rap, people.) Awesome! I like the way you say Poison, like ya mean it!)

[Verse 2:]

[If I were you I'd take pre-](-cautiooooooooooooon)

Before I start to meet fly girl, you know?

'Cause in some (portiooooooooooons) (Hmmm. That's a vocabulary stretch just for some rhyming, me thinks).

You'll think she's the best thing in the world

She's so - (flyyyyyyyyyyyy)

She'll drive you right out of your mind

and steal your heart when you're blind

Beware she's schemin', she'll make you think you're dreamin'

YOU'LL fall in love and you'll be screamin', demon, HOO..

[Rap Verse: Ronnie Devoe]Poison, deadly, movin it slow

Lookin for a mellow fellow like DeVoe

Gettin paid, laid, so better lay low

Schemin on house, money, and the whole show

The low pro hoe she'll be cut like an aaa-FRO (Cut like an Afro? I don't understand)

See what you're sayin', huh, she's weighin' you

But I know she's a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her! (ahhhh! so is Devoe truly a good representative for facts? He obviously has hidden and deep-seeded issue regarding her.)

POISOOOOOOOOOOOON...

[Kool G. Rap:] ("POISON!!")[Mixing of Kool G. Rap's "POISON!!"] (Good job Kool G.! Maybe after this we'll go for an ice cream.)

[Michael Bivins:]I was at the bar, shake, breakin and takin 'em all

And that night, I played the wall

Checkin out the fellas, the highs and lows (Hmmm. So he swings both ways. Interesting.)

Keepin one eye open, still clockin' the hoes (using a stopwatch, perhaps?)

There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest

Poison as can be, the high power chest (the "high power chest" is something a lot of women ask for when going to a plastic surgeon.)

Michael Biv here and I'm runnin' the show Are you Biv? Or are you scared of the lady?

Bell, Biv DeVoe [Ronnie laughs]..now you know! Yo, Slick, blow.. (Slick has gotten a head cold, and they are helping him blow his nose. It brings up a good point..that the song should end so Slick can go get some rest.)

Ol' People Ain't Kidding

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17782609/detail.html

Ummm.....

What parents are bringing charges against this elderly woman for taking their kids' football when they wouldn't stay out of her yard? This goes against the NATURAL LAW OF MR. WILSON:

This law states: If thou are under the age of 13, and engage in the dangerous gameplay of "taunt the elderly", you are likely to lose possessions and be told on for undue mischief. And for parents, those nosy neighbors are the same ones that will call you when your 15-year old just exited his window on a rope made of sheets. Unless you piss them off when your child is younger. Then, hey, none of their business.

It's part of childhood to have older neighbors yell at you some of the time and give you cookies the rest of the time. And it's always scary to know a distinctly cranky older person lives somewhere and you should avoid said property. It's a life lesson.

Ragamuffin 1: "What's that place?"

Ragamuffin 2:"That's ol' man Jenkins' place. You don't want to go there. He put kids in bottles like ships."

Ragamuffin 1:"oooooo. let's go around."

I mean, when I'm older and I have a bunch of punks around my property, I'm going to get into some creepy bathrobe and stand in the window staring until some lightning comes and illuminates me.

Heck, I might do that tonight!

October 17- Weekly Crunch Pumpkin Edition

The Crunch has been a little inactive lately. Hopefully getting back on the right track.

Politics
Heavens to Betsy, is it over yet? I'm going to run to my poll on Election Day kicking my heels up to not see more debate, ads and new stories on the election. You know what's creepy? When they are debating, and one candidate starts talking, and the other one just starts quietly smirking and laughing. Isn't that kind of odd? It's like they are kids being talked to at the dinner table by their parents. An eye roll or a big sigh would do nicely with the scenario as well, since that's what they are going for.

And then the post-debate discomfort hug (as seen in picture):

"Ok Mom and Dad we're making up. Ok, that's enough. Let go!"
"I'm not letting go until you do."
"We're going to get in trouble again. Quit It!"


Advertising

Remember when I went all karate chop on Sherwin Williams? Well, I was driving and once again saw a truck with a disturbing logo. This time it was the motto that got me.







Does America truly have a "favorite mushroom"? Mushrooms grow in the wet nasty parts of the woods. Now, I eat them, but I don't want to think about them too hard, cause they are kind of gross. I think it's a stretch to claim that our nation has a favorite mushroom. I gamble that if you asked them, 75% would giggle and say, "uh...magic mushrooms?" Not: "Giorgio mushrooms are the best tasting fungus around!! They're a NATIONAL FAVORITE!"

"DaDalala break me off a piece of that... gross. mush. room."

Communications

The other day I was driving and acidentally hit the AM station button. Some pleasant lady talking about fire and damnation was on. I don't really understand why there is still AM radio. Am I missing something? Wikipedia offers some suggestions, including... Some musical genres – particularly country, oldies, nostalgia and ethnic/world music – survive on AM, especially in areas where FM frequencies are in short supply or in thinly populated or mountainous areas where FM coverage is poor. That's understandable. But couldn't the technology be updated? There are satellite radio services, but why is there no satellite free service with lots of advertising? It's nostalgic, I'll give you that, especially with that ol' time crackly sound, but with podcasts, internet technologies, satellites you'd think it would become obsolete. I'm intrigued. (Awesome old dude photo courtesy of johnnyb4, Johnny Barker's awesome photography gallery here. Overuse of word Awesome? Priceless.)

Errrr, hi!

Okay, so anytime I seem to set a deadline for myself things seem to get messed up. I've been pretty busy lately so there has been no weekly crunch. So, I'm going to do what I can this weekend to get one out. Cheers!