Online Shopping Deal of the Week!

A bedroom set that the furnishings on The Love Boat would rival. Dog sold separately.

A Crunchier 2009?

Well I do have a lot of fun on this little blog o' mine. A suggestion I've gotten to get some more readers is to update on a regular basis. Well, what a jolly good idea. So for 2009, I'll be attempting to stick to some sort of schedule that updates regularly. In addition, I'll be messing around with some new layouts. Whoever does read the Crunch, I appreciate you reading and hope to see you in 2009 for a great new year. Cheers and Blessings, Kathleen

P.S. Thanks to all who participated in the Thaddeus Chan poll. Sorry, Thaddeus, the people have spoken. 

Royal Ties

With all of the hoopla surrounding the recent Blagojevich senate seat swindle, you'd think people would not be as eager to announce they are talking to Hillary Clinton about "their interest in her seat." (Not to mention, it just doesn't sound good.)

Errr, what exactly is the process for replacing a Senator? New York Governor David Paterson is responsible for picking out the temporary replacement, and all of a sudden there is a rush of people eager to fill the bill. It just seems so...unofficial. I don't understand why there can't be a vote...seems like a big decision for one person.

Not to mention, a voteless decision is a contest for those who have political ties, not those who the public is in favor of. As such, a bunch of political ragamuffins have started talking about how they might want the seat, like it's a Christmas present. "Well, I might want that....." Caroline Kennedy Straussberg ditched the Straussberg part of her name and is running as a Kennedy! Just doesn't seem quite right. Has New York been informed we are now under our own rule, and don't have to follow the political royal bloodlines?

Moving on to other things that don't seem right, but are royal.... Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that has “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

http://www.firemeetsdesire.com

Okay, whoever at Crispin Porter + Boguski advertising is seriously coming up with some loony ideas. Well done!

Facebook Gumshoe

I received an intriguing friend request on my Facebook account:


I do not have the pleasure of knowing Thaddeus. I wonder what he wants from me. I'm sort of inclined to find out. Perhaps he and I can start up a rigorous debate about Malaysian/US economics. Maybe he knows about my blog, and just finds it hilarious.

But on further observation of Thaddeus' friend list, he's a business rep looking to advertise!

Oh, well, since I kind of respect anyone that thinks people just click on confirm so they can have 500 friends, and therefore can sell their product, let me probe deeper. I observe on his public page that he has two different websites, http://mynusystem.com and a Facebook page on Galvanic Spa. Mr. Chan is a purveyor of beauty regimens!

For over two decades, Nu Skin has passionately pursued the creation of products and resources to help millions of people around the world find their paths to a beautiful future. Founded in 1984 with a commitment to providing quality skin care that features only premium, wholesome ingredients, Nu Skin remains true to this "all of the good, none of the bad" heritage today, developing innovative products that support the health and longevity of skin and hair.

Okay, I can roll with that. Well done. But then one of their flagship products raises an alarm flag.

Treatments with the Galvanic Spa System Instrument lasting five minutes or more can enhance the delivery of key ingredients for up to 24 hours. There is also a thingy called the AGELOC. The Galvanic Spa System features a proprietary, patented instrument with four interchangeable conductors:

• Face Conductor—offers all of the benefits of the original fixed face conductor, while adding the flexibility of being removable for other conductor use and other treatment applications.
• Scalp Conductor—this comb-like conductor is easy to pull through your hair, maintaining crucial contact between the conductor and your scalp.
• Body Conductor—three rounded nodes maximize surface area contact for wider coverage and better massaging action.
• Spot Treatment Conductor—this conductor head utilizes a flat, smooth, oval shaped treatment node that centralizes surface contact area. This node provides better contact with the skin and helps deliver a more concentrated treatment.

I have grown concerned about the constant use of the word "Conductor". Maybe a picture will help.

Hmmmmmm.

No, no help.So I find the http://www.nuskin.com website. And it all comes together. The science of this revolutionary product is revealed:



This is an Internal free radical generator on cell's surface. (I know; it looks like a popped zit, eh?)
Together with Purdue University Nu Skin has discovered a previously unknown internal source of aging, this source of internal aging is capable of generating free radicals in the epidermis around the clock.

AROUND THE CLOCK???!!!!!

So, in order to SCOURGE these little deviants you must zap them with the FACE CONDUCTOR! This technology is patent-pending and they have a very serious group of advisors behind this endeavor. None of which look like they have not enjoyed the use of the CONDUCTOR.

In fact, the fellow on the left needs other advisers to tell him that a cornflower blue suit is not the best choice. Maybe Men's Wearhouse founder and CEO George Zimmerman. (Studio Audience applause)

Maybe that dude is his estranged brother, Carl, who wears those suits in defiance to his brother's insistence that he will like the way he looks in Men's Wearhouse suite, he guaraneffin'tees it. Every holiday at the Zimmerman household is a horror as Carl shows up in his thrift store finest and George starts drinking heavily.So anyway, I came up with some startling business research that indicates their patent might not go through. It seems as though some very smart scientists have also been working on similar products:

And the results are amazing:


So in conclusion, no Thaddeus Chan, I will not approve you as a friend on Facebook. I hate to be harsh, but I'm not sure you have my best interests at heart. And I don't want to follow your increasingly dark status updates as the product that you hock goes to pot. I can't travel that road with you, Thaddeus Chan. However, I will leave it up to my legion of readers..a poll is in the sidebar. Please, only one vote per person; I don't want the servers to blow.

One-Stop Shopping

I came across ChristmasCentral.com; a lovely little online shop fufilling all your Christmas needs:

Ah, Looks Nice right. Then what the heck.....

Weekly Crunch- November 14

The Weekly Crunch- November 14, 2008
Holiday Shopping Edition!

Well, it's a great time to get your shopping done early this year. The Crunch has compiled a list of admirable gifts that your recipient will enjoy without breaking your budget. Take the Teddy Bear Lamp from Uncommon Goods. Did he come back from the vet with his cone put the wrong way? Is his head on fire? HAHA! No one knows....

Head on over to Archie McPhee and pick up strange sundries for your friends and family. Featured here are squirrel underpants. There is also a highly-recommended inflatable fruitcake.

At Mental Floss, there is a periodic table shower curtain. Reading material no longer needed in the bathroom with this fine accessory. The perfect gift for the child who will yell in 8th grade, "That table is on my shower curtain!" and then will be mocked and scorned until the 10 year reunion when all those punks are working at Arby's and Dr. Periodic Table on the Shower curtain just came up with the cure for cancer.

Baron Bob is offering a special Yule Doo ornament. I can't top the description from the website: The Yule Doo Christmas Ornament can turn a crappy holiday into an even crappier one. This magnificent piece of poo is sprinkled with glitter and comes ready to hang with a red & green satin ribbon. Fear not, the Yule Doo ornament is unscented. Also of note: the Runny Nose shower gel dispenser.

And last, you can always run over to the clearance section of Crazy Goods.Here is my serious list of some of the best Baltimore stuff (you can ship and order online too!):

Glarus Chocolatier- My friend Angela found this delight when visiting Baltimore. So I can't take credit but I can say. it is, hands down, the best chocolate I have ever had. And I've had a lot of chocolate. Everything from this store is fantastic.

Your Body Needs Signature Blends- My friend Rose has her own line of lotions and potions made from 100% pure essential oils. Now, not only is Rose the nicest person in the world, so I think she infuses her blends with good karma, but these products smell heavenly, natural, and fresh. Her website has a great chart for picking the right blend for you.

I'll have more as time progresses and it becomes impractical to order online. Procrastinators unite! Oh and one more thing:

Weekly Crunch- Oct 31

Votes!

Tuesday is the very exciting day we've all been waiting for... where we can stop seeing these stupid ridiculous ads. And it brings the special people who approve these messages and their followers stand on the side of the road and wave at you, hoping to change your mind through their expression of cheer. Well, voting day doesn't just have to yield you a sticker that "You Voted" that allows you to shout at every person without a sticker "I VOTED! YOU'RE A JERK!" See what the coting attendant says when you ask for some extra stickers, "for your friends".

Marketing News

Gentlemen are being insulted by the new Axe brand packaging. The Axe Detailer Shower Tool??? Are you (and by you I mean Axe marketers) serious??! If a guy was that dead set about not seeming like a wuss in the shower, he'd just scrape his funk off with a trowel.

I might present a new line of "man items" when I have better graphics software at my disposal. I don't think men are fooled by this marketing ploy. Isn't it kind of more wussy to use a specially fabricated "body detailer tool" in the vein of trying to seem manly, then just, you know, slathering up with a var of Ivory? It floats, you know.

Music News

I've had Bell Biv Devoe in my head all week. It goes between the classic hit "Do Me", and "Poison". I want to ask someone to knock me out. I'll take the theme of Gilligan's Island over this.

I'd like to pass on the pain to any of my 1990's bretheren, along with a literary analysis of the song in orange.

Lyrics to Poison :

[Michael Bivins:] Yeah, Spiderman and Freeze in full effect (We don't know who those characters are.)

[Ronnie DeVoe:] Uh-huh

[Ricky Bell:] You ready, Ron? (asking, no doubt, to see if DeVoe is coherent after his mumbled response)

[DeVoe:] I'm ready (Ronnie confirms his conciousness. Everyone is relieved)

[Bell:] You ready, Biv?

[Bivins:] I'm ready, Slick, are you?

[Bell:] Oh, yeah, break it down (Bell is eager to get on with it, perhaps uncomfortable that Biv called him "Slick".)

[Verse 1: Ricky Bell] Girl, I, must(warrrrrn yoooooooooou) (there's danger a'comin')

I sense something strange in my mind

Situation is (seriooooooooous)

Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time (Bell has no helpful suggestions as to how to cure it, however)

It's oh, so (beautifuuuuuuuuul)

Relationships they seem from the start

It's all so (deadllllllllly)

When love is not together from the heart

[Hook:]It's drivin' me out of my mind!

That's why it's HARD for me to find

Can't get it out of my head!

Miss her, kiss her, love her

(Wrong move you're dead!) So, really, we find that Bell should not have been warning this girl about anything. She is the poison. He should have removed himself from the situation.

[Chorus:]

That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Never trust a big butt and smile (This is the song's thesis statement.)

that girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOON..

("POISON!!" - Kool G. Rap) (Good Job Kool G. Rap! (everyone look appreciative. I don't think this guy is all there. His rap name is Kool G. Rap, people.) Awesome! I like the way you say Poison, like ya mean it!)

[Verse 2:]

[If I were you I'd take pre-](-cautiooooooooooooon)

Before I start to meet fly girl, you know?

'Cause in some (portiooooooooooons) (Hmmm. That's a vocabulary stretch just for some rhyming, me thinks).

You'll think she's the best thing in the world

She's so - (flyyyyyyyyyyyy)

She'll drive you right out of your mind

and steal your heart when you're blind

Beware she's schemin', she'll make you think you're dreamin'

YOU'LL fall in love and you'll be screamin', demon, HOO..

[Rap Verse: Ronnie Devoe]Poison, deadly, movin it slow

Lookin for a mellow fellow like DeVoe

Gettin paid, laid, so better lay low

Schemin on house, money, and the whole show

The low pro hoe she'll be cut like an aaa-FRO (Cut like an Afro? I don't understand)

See what you're sayin', huh, she's weighin' you

But I know she's a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her! (ahhhh! so is Devoe truly a good representative for facts? He obviously has hidden and deep-seeded issue regarding her.)

POISOOOOOOOOOOOON...

[Kool G. Rap:] ("POISON!!")[Mixing of Kool G. Rap's "POISON!!"] (Good job Kool G.! Maybe after this we'll go for an ice cream.)

[Michael Bivins:]I was at the bar, shake, breakin and takin 'em all

And that night, I played the wall

Checkin out the fellas, the highs and lows (Hmmm. So he swings both ways. Interesting.)

Keepin one eye open, still clockin' the hoes (using a stopwatch, perhaps?)

There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest

Poison as can be, the high power chest (the "high power chest" is something a lot of women ask for when going to a plastic surgeon.)

Michael Biv here and I'm runnin' the show Are you Biv? Or are you scared of the lady?

Bell, Biv DeVoe [Ronnie laughs]..now you know! Yo, Slick, blow.. (Slick has gotten a head cold, and they are helping him blow his nose. It brings up a good point..that the song should end so Slick can go get some rest.)