I'll take an order of Awkward

Why on earth have they not updated the womanly vending machines in public bathrooms? Every single one is like a throwback to 1965, with old font, and complete with the term "sanitary napkin" which describes the 4" thick brick that is dispensed. What the deuce? They now have vending machines in the airport that dispense Best Buy technology. Surely Playtex could come up with something.

When I was five I went to my brother's chorus concert with my mom at the school. I went to the bathroom that was just outside the gym; I knew where it was because I went to school there too, thankyouverymuch. So what did my mother see when I returned? I walked into the gym with a maxi pad on my head.

There's a very good explanation. (good=made sense to me) On those ARCHAIC vending machines in the bathroom there was a picture of a nurse. With a hat on. And since at the school they were free, I turned that metal lever and got me a hat with a nice sticky side to make sure it doesn't fall off your head.

I don't think my mother let me go to the bathroom by myself after that until I was 16. So, although that's one of my favorite "Kathleen was a Strange Child" stories, of whic

h there are too many, I think the whole genre of womanly vending machines needs to be updated.

Anyway, in other lands...

Ok, the beer meeting was ridiculous. I think mojitos would have been a better choice. I haven't seen something so awkward since I walked out of a restroom with a maxi pad on my head. They are planning on meeting again as well. Maybe they can meet in a setting that wasn't planned by your seventh-grade drama teacher.

Meat Market

Sorry I've been away (for a half year). I've been working on getting my own business launched. But I need to remember the important things in life, like mocking advertising.

Let's start off by saying these meat ads are disturbing and not at all appetizing. I'm an on-the-fence vegetarian anyway. Raw meat just grosses me out but I haven't made the big switch yet cause I still loves me a cheeseburger. However, these ads just hasten my decision. 

I mean, what they are saying here is that it's an excellent idea to live in a land made of dead cooked animal flesh. And I must object. Also disturbing is the "greenery" that is growing on the beef. Much to my delight, I am not the only one:

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2008/07/beef-ads-its-wh.html

I don't really understand advertisements for staple items anyway. Like the whole cheese campaign. They act like we have forgotten that cheese exists. Like if I see an advertisement of giant wheels of cheese I'm going to run out and get some. No one forgets about cheese. It's delicious.

On a completely unrelated note, I was standing in the grocery store checkout line the other day, my eyes roaming the magazines, and I took great disturbance in the recent Washingtonian Magazine cover:

Yes,it's shirtless President Obama and the caption says "26 Reasons to Love Living Here. Reason #2: Our New Neighbor is Hot."

Um, people, I know it's exciting to have a president that doesn't look like the old guys from the Muppets. But that cover is just cringe-worth embarrassing. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm in sixth grade and NKOTB (New kids on the block, for you SQUARES) just ran by. Or, I feel like I am 30 and all of my peers are screaming because NKOTB ran by again. (They are on a reunion tour; I think some of my friends have dragged their old posters out and affixed them to their ceilings).

Anyway, Washingtonian, just be cool, Greg Brady style. He'll never notice you if you're too accessable. 

The Most Awesome Eulogy Ever

British Baron Dai Llewellyn passed away yesterday. He was 61.

Don't know who Dai Llewllyn is? Well I didn't either. Until I read his eulogy. It's hilarious. It makes Hugh Hefner look like a snooze-bag. His nickname was Seducer of the Valleys (he was from Wales, or you could take it as something else.) A few key points:

• Paul Callan, the journalist, recalled: 'He told me about a hilarious episode of having three debs in a bed, each of whom he was happily servicing, while a Mexican band stood naked around the bed serenading them.'
• In 2005 he slipped away with another man's date to a discreet bedroom. Things were going well, Sir Dai said, until 'the corner of the bed started to go'. Then, he said: 'We plunged through the floorboards and a wardrobe fell on top of us'.
• Sir Dai told such stories with a gusto that was infectious. He would never get up in the morning planning to make love to three women, he would say, adding 'but if it happened, it happened'.
• Taki Theodoracopulos, the Greek shipping heir, said: 'He was always short, yet he always went first class. He didn't have the kind of money other people had, but I never saw him as a hanger-on. He had his pride.'
• One of the things he was proud of was his prodigious ability to consume alcohol, yet remain sober. In an interview at the hospice last November he said he once drank eight bottles of wine, a bottle of rum, a bottle of port and a bottle of vodka in one night, yet in the morning he was perfectly lucid.

A few key comments:

• He had children. Can you IMAGINE if this guy was your GRANDPA?"Aaaghh, gramps is telling the menage trois story again..we've heard this a million times!"
• Who are these Greek shipping heirs???! They pop up in all cultures and societies. WHY WAS GREEK SHIPPING SO PROFITABLE? Does anyone know? ANYONE?
• Baron Dai could be responsible for the continuation of the British words: dandy, rake, scoundral, and perhaps randy

Well, old fellow, I salute you. Your eulogy was not boring, and even if your stories were a wee bit blown out of proportion, (but you never know with these guys) it was one of the most entertaining reads I've come across. Now go throw some parties in heaven.

Online Shopping Deal of the Week!

A bedroom set that the furnishings on The Love Boat would rival. Dog sold separately.

A Crunchier 2009?

Well I do have a lot of fun on this little blog o' mine. A suggestion I've gotten to get some more readers is to update on a regular basis. Well, what a jolly good idea. So for 2009, I'll be attempting to stick to some sort of schedule that updates regularly. In addition, I'll be messing around with some new layouts. Whoever does read the Crunch, I appreciate you reading and hope to see you in 2009 for a great new year. Cheers and Blessings, Kathleen

P.S. Thanks to all who participated in the Thaddeus Chan poll. Sorry, Thaddeus, the people have spoken. 

Royal Ties

With all of the hoopla surrounding the recent Blagojevich senate seat swindle, you'd think people would not be as eager to announce they are talking to Hillary Clinton about "their interest in her seat." (Not to mention, it just doesn't sound good.)

Errr, what exactly is the process for replacing a Senator? New York Governor David Paterson is responsible for picking out the temporary replacement, and all of a sudden there is a rush of people eager to fill the bill. It just seems so...unofficial. I don't understand why there can't be a vote...seems like a big decision for one person.

Not to mention, a voteless decision is a contest for those who have political ties, not those who the public is in favor of. As such, a bunch of political ragamuffins have started talking about how they might want the seat, like it's a Christmas present. "Well, I might want that....." Caroline Kennedy Straussberg ditched the Straussberg part of her name and is running as a Kennedy! Just doesn't seem quite right. Has New York been informed we are now under our own rule, and don't have to follow the political royal bloodlines?

Moving on to other things that don't seem right, but are royal.... Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that has “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

http://www.firemeetsdesire.com

Okay, whoever at Crispin Porter + Boguski advertising is seriously coming up with some loony ideas. Well done!

Facebook Gumshoe

I received an intriguing friend request on my Facebook account:


I do not have the pleasure of knowing Thaddeus. I wonder what he wants from me. I'm sort of inclined to find out. Perhaps he and I can start up a rigorous debate about Malaysian/US economics. Maybe he knows about my blog, and just finds it hilarious.

But on further observation of Thaddeus' friend list, he's a business rep looking to advertise!

Oh, well, since I kind of respect anyone that thinks people just click on confirm so they can have 500 friends, and therefore can sell their product, let me probe deeper. I observe on his public page that he has two different websites, http://mynusystem.com and a Facebook page on Galvanic Spa. Mr. Chan is a purveyor of beauty regimens!

For over two decades, Nu Skin has passionately pursued the creation of products and resources to help millions of people around the world find their paths to a beautiful future. Founded in 1984 with a commitment to providing quality skin care that features only premium, wholesome ingredients, Nu Skin remains true to this "all of the good, none of the bad" heritage today, developing innovative products that support the health and longevity of skin and hair.

Okay, I can roll with that. Well done. But then one of their flagship products raises an alarm flag.

Treatments with the Galvanic Spa System Instrument lasting five minutes or more can enhance the delivery of key ingredients for up to 24 hours. There is also a thingy called the AGELOC. The Galvanic Spa System features a proprietary, patented instrument with four interchangeable conductors:

• Face Conductor—offers all of the benefits of the original fixed face conductor, while adding the flexibility of being removable for other conductor use and other treatment applications.
• Scalp Conductor—this comb-like conductor is easy to pull through your hair, maintaining crucial contact between the conductor and your scalp.
• Body Conductor—three rounded nodes maximize surface area contact for wider coverage and better massaging action.
• Spot Treatment Conductor—this conductor head utilizes a flat, smooth, oval shaped treatment node that centralizes surface contact area. This node provides better contact with the skin and helps deliver a more concentrated treatment.

I have grown concerned about the constant use of the word "Conductor". Maybe a picture will help.

Hmmmmmm.

No, no help.So I find the http://www.nuskin.com website. And it all comes together. The science of this revolutionary product is revealed:



This is an Internal free radical generator on cell's surface. (I know; it looks like a popped zit, eh?)
Together with Purdue University Nu Skin has discovered a previously unknown internal source of aging, this source of internal aging is capable of generating free radicals in the epidermis around the clock.

AROUND THE CLOCK???!!!!!

So, in order to SCOURGE these little deviants you must zap them with the FACE CONDUCTOR! This technology is patent-pending and they have a very serious group of advisors behind this endeavor. None of which look like they have not enjoyed the use of the CONDUCTOR.

In fact, the fellow on the left needs other advisers to tell him that a cornflower blue suit is not the best choice. Maybe Men's Wearhouse founder and CEO George Zimmerman. (Studio Audience applause)

Maybe that dude is his estranged brother, Carl, who wears those suits in defiance to his brother's insistence that he will like the way he looks in Men's Wearhouse suite, he guaraneffin'tees it. Every holiday at the Zimmerman household is a horror as Carl shows up in his thrift store finest and George starts drinking heavily.So anyway, I came up with some startling business research that indicates their patent might not go through. It seems as though some very smart scientists have also been working on similar products:

And the results are amazing:


So in conclusion, no Thaddeus Chan, I will not approve you as a friend on Facebook. I hate to be harsh, but I'm not sure you have my best interests at heart. And I don't want to follow your increasingly dark status updates as the product that you hock goes to pot. I can't travel that road with you, Thaddeus Chan. However, I will leave it up to my legion of readers..a poll is in the sidebar. Please, only one vote per person; I don't want the servers to blow.