Putin On The Ritz

According to this article, Putin gots somethin' to say regarding movies:

Prime Minister Vladimir Putin Tuesday told Russia's top directors that Russian movies were not attracting big enough foreign audiences and the domestic film industry had to

raise its game "We possess a most rich cinematographic heritage, our films traditionally receive prestigious awards at international festivals but our product does not so far have a mass foreign audience," he said.

That meant that "the goals of economic, cultural and humanitarian influence are not being reached," he told the first meeting of the recently created Council on Cinematography.

Which leads to the question of why we don't yet have a Cinematography Czar in the White House since I believe last week a Czar of Potatoes was announced (Dan Quayle). BUT, it also explains a disturbing snippet from Putin's "vacation in the mountains" recently, where he, um, posed for a sleazy romance book cover?

I don't know about you, but it's all coming together for me now. Pushing for better movies? Appearing all Conan in PR pics? I believe if we looked at Putin's bedroom wall, we might see some fan posters of a certain Austrian movie star-turned governor.

Just a wee note; this is what happens when government becomes way too involved in the country. Your president ends up talking about the movie industry. I'm just sayin'.

Professionals are Starstruck Over Giant Rat

In Papau New Guinea, they found a species of giant rat. A species which I want to hug.

Also, kudos to cameraman Gordon Buchananan, who was just informed he's made Mr. March for his action pose next to said giant rat in the 2010 wildlife photogs calendar.

According to CNN:

George McGavin, a Research Associate at the Oxford University Museum of Natural History and The Department of Zoology of Oxford University told CNN: "It's hard to be sure exactly how many new species we have found, but it is more than 30.

"To find new species of insects in this region isn't uncommon, but we found sixteen new frog species, one new bat species and at least three new fish, and this giant bloody rat -- the size of a cat. Amazing!"

A giant bloody rat! That's science-talk for jolly good fun. Seriously, these researchers have to be having the best time ever. I love it when scientists get all excited. Let's keep in mind these are the folks that shouted for joy in high school biology when they removed a frog's pancreas and brandished it in the air and the rest of us choked back bile.

I'll take an order of Awkward

Why on earth have they not updated the womanly vending machines in public bathrooms? Every single one is like a throwback to 1965, with old font, and complete with the term "sanitary napkin" which describes the 4" thick brick that is dispensed. What the deuce? They now have vending machines in the airport that dispense Best Buy technology. Surely Playtex could come up with something.

When I was five I went to my brother's chorus concert with my mom at the school. I went to the bathroom that was just outside the gym; I knew where it was because I went to school there too, thankyouverymuch. So what did my mother see when I returned? I walked into the gym with a maxi pad on my head.

There's a very good explanation. (good=made sense to me) On those ARCHAIC vending machines in the bathroom there was a picture of a nurse. With a hat on. And since at the school they were free, I turned that metal lever and got me a hat with a nice sticky side to make sure it doesn't fall off your head.

I don't think my mother let me go to the bathroom by myself after that until I was 16. So, although that's one of my favorite "Kathleen was a Strange Child" stories, of whic

h there are too many, I think the whole genre of womanly vending machines needs to be updated.

Anyway, in other lands...

Ok, the beer meeting was ridiculous. I think mojitos would have been a better choice. I haven't seen something so awkward since I walked out of a restroom with a maxi pad on my head. They are planning on meeting again as well. Maybe they can meet in a setting that wasn't planned by your seventh-grade drama teacher.

October 17- Weekly Crunch Pumpkin Edition

The Crunch has been a little inactive lately. Hopefully getting back on the right track.

Politics
Heavens to Betsy, is it over yet? I'm going to run to my poll on Election Day kicking my heels up to not see more debate, ads and new stories on the election. You know what's creepy? When they are debating, and one candidate starts talking, and the other one just starts quietly smirking and laughing. Isn't that kind of odd? It's like they are kids being talked to at the dinner table by their parents. An eye roll or a big sigh would do nicely with the scenario as well, since that's what they are going for.

And then the post-debate discomfort hug (as seen in picture):

"Ok Mom and Dad we're making up. Ok, that's enough. Let go!"
"I'm not letting go until you do."
"We're going to get in trouble again. Quit It!"


Advertising

Remember when I went all karate chop on Sherwin Williams? Well, I was driving and once again saw a truck with a disturbing logo. This time it was the motto that got me.







Does America truly have a "favorite mushroom"? Mushrooms grow in the wet nasty parts of the woods. Now, I eat them, but I don't want to think about them too hard, cause they are kind of gross. I think it's a stretch to claim that our nation has a favorite mushroom. I gamble that if you asked them, 75% would giggle and say, "uh...magic mushrooms?" Not: "Giorgio mushrooms are the best tasting fungus around!! They're a NATIONAL FAVORITE!"

"DaDalala break me off a piece of that... gross. mush. room."

Communications

The other day I was driving and acidentally hit the AM station button. Some pleasant lady talking about fire and damnation was on. I don't really understand why there is still AM radio. Am I missing something? Wikipedia offers some suggestions, including... Some musical genres – particularly country, oldies, nostalgia and ethnic/world music – survive on AM, especially in areas where FM frequencies are in short supply or in thinly populated or mountainous areas where FM coverage is poor. That's understandable. But couldn't the technology be updated? There are satellite radio services, but why is there no satellite free service with lots of advertising? It's nostalgic, I'll give you that, especially with that ol' time crackly sound, but with podcasts, internet technologies, satellites you'd think it would become obsolete. I'm intrigued. (Awesome old dude photo courtesy of johnnyb4, Johnny Barker's awesome photography gallery here. Overuse of word Awesome? Priceless.)

MicroAnalysis

Are you like me? Or are you like THEM?

You know, those people that put things in the microwave for a ludicrously long time and just walk away. As opposed to myself, where I heat things up in short 30 second bursts, convinced something will spark or blow up or overheat or smoke or burst into flame. My nervousness regarding the microwave is something to behold, but I think it's very warranted. Ever put a cup that you didn't realize had steel in it in the microwave? It's like commandos are attacking your kitchen. Ever see a hot dog blow up in the microwave? Me neither, but I know it can happen, and it ain't happening to me.

Who are these people that have such careless regard for the microwave?

Remember when microwaves first came out? They would come with these extensive cookbooks. It was like you could use the microwave to cook anything- roast a chicken, bake a cake. No one actually does that, do they? Here's the one my mom had when we got our first microwave in 1986:


Someone has apparantly had their microwave rosette a carrot. You have to program that feature in. But here's the cookbook my grandmother had that always stymied me:


Behold! On the cover, a ROAST CHICKEN. When I think about it, the only stuff I put in the microwave are things made for it. I never COOK with the thing. It seems like it would be off-putting. But really, back in the day the microwave was the cooking of the future. This gives me a negative viewpoint for eventual food replication, which looked so appetizing as Counselor Troy ordered a triple fudge sundae on Star Trek the Next Generation. (yes, 2nd Star Trek reference in the blog. Geek and freak, right here) What happens if replication "doesn't taste like Mom and Dad's cooking?" Kids will be whining at their exhausted parents, who were at work all day mining Mars, "weeee don't waaaant anything frommm the replicator."

Will we have to child proof the replicator like the internet? Kids can't replicate junk food without prior approval. Cerrtain parents will take it too far. "You can only replicate carrots and apples for snacks".

"Well, I'll just go to Jimmy's house. His parents let him replicate Ding-Dongs!"

Sidenote, how funny of a Star Trek episode would that be if Captain Picard leaned in toward the replicator and said in his English accent....

"Ding-Dong. Cold."

Back to the microwave, I like too how it is considered safe for kids to cook with the microwave. It's not an easy-bake oven. Yes, it is not hot on the outside. But get the wrong dish that seemed microwave safe, and you have a boiling hot scalding bowl to take out of there. And that just isn't worth the Easy Mac.

Ol' Irish Yarn

Here's the thing: I come from a big ol' Irish family. The biggest thing I would say that is among all of us is that we can sure tell a tale.

The story could be that Uncle Joe went to the store to get bread and they were out. It turns into Uncle Joe had to driving through DRIVING WINDS AND HAIL and then got to the store and the manager came out and yelled at him because he knew the guy that Uncle Joe worked with from the electric company, who said Uncle Joe was a jerk. Well, turns out that guy said that because he was clinically insane. So, really there was no bread but there is no telling what the crazy guy's manager friend did before Uncle Joe got to the bread aisle. Oh. and the cashier revealed that she has gout.

It's something my cousin Sara (featured in pic) and I talk about all the time. We talk about it with fondness, and irritation, and make every attempt to not do it although I would imagine we fail terribly, and it is simply karma that we will tell our kids outrageous stories about her growing up in New Hampshire and battling 10 feet of snow, and me in New York battling...uh...the mob? Yeah, that's it; the mob!

Well, I don't know what got me thinking about this, but I started to think of all the little things that have been told over the years in our family that have gotten quite mythological in nature. Here are my top favorites.

1. Grandpa said he was a terrible person.
Our family is Irish Catholic, meaning that we have giant guilt attacks over small things and blow them into giant, God-smulching acts. Grandpa, who was the patriarch and leader of telling an entertaining tale, would look at Sara and I and say, very seriously and rather cryptically, "Pray for your grandpa. He's done some bad things". We would both promptly burst into laughter. My grandfather was many things- an excellent host for a party, a chocoholic, a purveyor of fine port and smokes; a mysterious guilt-ridden sinner he was not. Especially because he, like many in our family, had OCD, and had to tell everybody every "bad thing" he had done. "I ate the last of the ice cream, ma," he would tell my grandmother, somber and contrite. "You bozo!" she'd laugh.

2. Mom said she had a glass eye.
I was quite little and I was on my mother's lap. She proceeded to rub her eye and it made some sort of squeak noise. I asked why. She looked at me and said very seriously, "Honey, mommy has a glass eye." It was ridiculous. I was very concerned though, for my mother had obviously lost her eye in some sort of accident. "Do you take it out?!" I demanded. "How long have you had it?" She then told me she was kidding, but the damage was done. I eyed her eye suspiciously for about a year.

3. Aunt Eileen claims that if you get your tongue pierced, you could get tongue cancer.
Aunt Eileen is Sara's mother. Sara had her nose, ears and bellybutton pierced at various times, which I believe Auntie Ei also assigned those appendages a horrible mutilating disease if she pierced them. I guess if she went to the trouble of coming up with these consequences to convince her daughter not to get them, she did not appreciate Sara and I arguing with her about the medical validity of her claims.

4. Mom and Dad claim that I will be spotlighted while bowling.
Ok, this one really gets my goat. I was really nervous about going bowling for the first time (I don't know why, I was a nervous kid, okay?) My parents asked me if I would be okay when the guy on the loudspeaker announced my name and everyone turned to look as I bowled. 'Nuff said. I spent the entire time waiting to be "called out", and then was oddly disappointed when I was not. It's the yin and yang of my horoscope of Leo.

5. Sister makes claim of eventual pig nose.
My second grade teacher, Mrs. McAuley, blew her nose in an interesting way. She would forcefully blow, and then move her fingers around in her nose with the tissue, clearly removing all debris and making it squeaky clean. I appreciated the habit and began to do this myself. My sister Meg apparantly thought this was WEIRD and told me, "if you do that, even for like a little while longer, you are going to have a giant pig nose. And it will never go back." I was horrified but could not go back to just blowing and wiping without getting the internal refuse. Well, I'm going to be 30 in a month, and NO PIG NOSE MEG. YET. (though I did stop with the circular cleansing motion. It was a tad weird."

6. Aunt Maryann.
Aunt Maryann is my Aunt who is the eldest sibling on my mother's side. Therefore, she has the dubious distinction of having the longest time for all her punk-ass little brothers and sisters to make up stories about her. Including:Aunt Maryann WRAPPED A CAR AROUND A TREE. (It's always said with an emphasis that would make you believe she seriously performed some feat of physics). She banged a car up when learning to drive is what the story really is.