I'll take an order of Awkward

Why on earth have they not updated the womanly vending machines in public bathrooms? Every single one is like a throwback to 1965, with old font, and complete with the term "sanitary napkin" which describes the 4" thick brick that is dispensed. What the deuce? They now have vending machines in the airport that dispense Best Buy technology. Surely Playtex could come up with something.

When I was five I went to my brother's chorus concert with my mom at the school. I went to the bathroom that was just outside the gym; I knew where it was because I went to school there too, thankyouverymuch. So what did my mother see when I returned? I walked into the gym with a maxi pad on my head.

There's a very good explanation. (good=made sense to me) On those ARCHAIC vending machines in the bathroom there was a picture of a nurse. With a hat on. And since at the school they were free, I turned that metal lever and got me a hat with a nice sticky side to make sure it doesn't fall off your head.

I don't think my mother let me go to the bathroom by myself after that until I was 16. So, although that's one of my favorite "Kathleen was a Strange Child" stories, of whic

h there are too many, I think the whole genre of womanly vending machines needs to be updated.

Anyway, in other lands...

Ok, the beer meeting was ridiculous. I think mojitos would have been a better choice. I haven't seen something so awkward since I walked out of a restroom with a maxi pad on my head. They are planning on meeting again as well. Maybe they can meet in a setting that wasn't planned by your seventh-grade drama teacher.

Meat Market

Sorry I've been away (for a half year). I've been working on getting my own business launched. But I need to remember the important things in life, like mocking advertising.

Let's start off by saying these meat ads are disturbing and not at all appetizing. I'm an on-the-fence vegetarian anyway. Raw meat just grosses me out but I haven't made the big switch yet cause I still loves me a cheeseburger. However, these ads just hasten my decision. 

I mean, what they are saying here is that it's an excellent idea to live in a land made of dead cooked animal flesh. And I must object. Also disturbing is the "greenery" that is growing on the beef. Much to my delight, I am not the only one:

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2008/07/beef-ads-its-wh.html

I don't really understand advertisements for staple items anyway. Like the whole cheese campaign. They act like we have forgotten that cheese exists. Like if I see an advertisement of giant wheels of cheese I'm going to run out and get some. No one forgets about cheese. It's delicious.

On a completely unrelated note, I was standing in the grocery store checkout line the other day, my eyes roaming the magazines, and I took great disturbance in the recent Washingtonian Magazine cover:

Yes,it's shirtless President Obama and the caption says "26 Reasons to Love Living Here. Reason #2: Our New Neighbor is Hot."

Um, people, I know it's exciting to have a president that doesn't look like the old guys from the Muppets. But that cover is just cringe-worth embarrassing. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm in sixth grade and NKOTB (New kids on the block, for you SQUARES) just ran by. Or, I feel like I am 30 and all of my peers are screaming because NKOTB ran by again. (They are on a reunion tour; I think some of my friends have dragged their old posters out and affixed them to their ceilings).

Anyway, Washingtonian, just be cool, Greg Brady style. He'll never notice you if you're too accessable. 

Royal Ties

With all of the hoopla surrounding the recent Blagojevich senate seat swindle, you'd think people would not be as eager to announce they are talking to Hillary Clinton about "their interest in her seat." (Not to mention, it just doesn't sound good.)

Errr, what exactly is the process for replacing a Senator? New York Governor David Paterson is responsible for picking out the temporary replacement, and all of a sudden there is a rush of people eager to fill the bill. It just seems so...unofficial. I don't understand why there can't be a vote...seems like a big decision for one person.

Not to mention, a voteless decision is a contest for those who have political ties, not those who the public is in favor of. As such, a bunch of political ragamuffins have started talking about how they might want the seat, like it's a Christmas present. "Well, I might want that....." Caroline Kennedy Straussberg ditched the Straussberg part of her name and is running as a Kennedy! Just doesn't seem quite right. Has New York been informed we are now under our own rule, and don't have to follow the political royal bloodlines?

Moving on to other things that don't seem right, but are royal.... Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that has “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

http://www.firemeetsdesire.com

Okay, whoever at Crispin Porter + Boguski advertising is seriously coming up with some loony ideas. Well done!

The Weekly Crunch- September 12

Weather Watch- I've never seen weather people get so excited as when there is a storm. Weather casters are already stationed in the most strategic positions to get the best "action wind shots". If news, it's not the weather. I trust the radar; no need to confirm the journalistic credibility by seeing people out in abnormally high winds.

Paparazzi News: Kanye West got arrested for scrapping with the paparazzi. I would smash their camera too. (and I do, whenever they are following me) People always say, "if you are that famous, you ask for it." My view is, you don't ask to get famous. You work as an actor making no money or as a DJ, or a singer, then you get a role in a big movie, or a record deal (who is going to say no?), people think they know you, and then you're being pursued by a pack of wildebeasts on scooters shouting blasphemies about your mother. I think they need to write a clause for paparazzi that essentially says, you are on your own risk level if you want your pictures. There are nice ones, I've seen it, but then there are some real jerks out there.

A Zoinks! Moment- Okay, if you want quite a spectacle, head on over to the SciFi channel for Destination Truth. The basis is that a team of "researchers" travel the globe in search of living representatives of myths and tall tales. Let's talk about the one episode I watched and ended up yelling at the TV. These dorks go up to to a deep lake in Iceland looking for a Worm Monster. They wait until night, and then steal out into the loch on a wee boat, traveling with a sonar kit but not much else. They travel to the middle of the foggy lake. Then, gasp! they are lost..with, as the voiceover says, "With no GPS or compass of any kind". Essentially these foghats get themselves in Scooby Doo-like mysteries and do the STUPIDEST thing possible. The lead fellow didn't even wear at hat, and starts complaining, "The temparature is dropping, and we are open to the elements." These people are like the stupid people in a horror movie going into the woods after hearing a horrible noise. "Hey! Who's there? Jimmy is that you? Jimmy, haha stop messing around. He...lll. o.....CRUNCH. GOBBLE." It's extremely irritating and entertaining at the same time.
I Elect to Stop Hearing About the Election. I cannot wait until this thing is over. We haven't even gotten to the debates yet. It's historical in many ways, and it's interesting to watch SOMETIMES, but overload central. But I did find this great T-shirt you can buy on http://www.thinkgeek.com.

Georgia On My Mind

So while China was having a Milli Vanilli Olympics moment at the expense of a small child (really nice, people), Russia seized the opportunity to seize. I admit, I don't know all the political ramifications or reasons behind the conflict between Russia and Georgia. I've been reading up on it and trying to get educated.

The situation is no laughing matter; people are hurt and the situation looks very bad. But when I did hear about it; just for a split second, I thought, "What If some country Invaded OUR Georgia here in the US." I believe they'd have a difficult go of it.

I present to you the top principles of the Invasion of the State of Georgia Defense Battleplan:

1. First of all, they would have to deal with General Ludicrous, who I think would step to the plate to lead the defense. It would give them pause to deal with someone named General Ludicrous, as it is the same type of Moniker as Cap'n Crazy or Lt. Loony. And, you know, I wouldn't mess with the guy.
   
   
2. Our strategy could lead our attackers into the Atlanta airport, which is the most poorly designed airport in the world. There, they could be herded onto the train of inefficiency that take passengers to the gate. Then, they could get onto planes that would just sit on the runway for hours.
   
   
3. There are a lot of Civil War re-enactors down there that I don't think would mind jumping into the fray.
   
   
4. Have you seen pissed-off Southern women? Never ends well.
   

But back to reality, perhaps it can all be summarized by the following statement made by a Georgian blogger:, "I cant help wondering if Russia would [have] been audacious enough to defy international law if there wasn't a trend in defying it set by the U.S. over the years." So maybe with the November election, we can start to lead more by example.

PS: This issue also covered by The Reasonable Ego.