A Crunchier 2009?

Well I do have a lot of fun on this little blog o' mine. A suggestion I've gotten to get some more readers is to update on a regular basis. Well, what a jolly good idea. So for 2009, I'll be attempting to stick to some sort of schedule that updates regularly. In addition, I'll be messing around with some new layouts. Whoever does read the Crunch, I appreciate you reading and hope to see you in 2009 for a great new year. Cheers and Blessings, Kathleen

P.S. Thanks to all who participated in the Thaddeus Chan poll. Sorry, Thaddeus, the people have spoken. 

Weekly Crunch- November 14

The Weekly Crunch- November 14, 2008
Holiday Shopping Edition!

Well, it's a great time to get your shopping done early this year. The Crunch has compiled a list of admirable gifts that your recipient will enjoy without breaking your budget. Take the Teddy Bear Lamp from Uncommon Goods. Did he come back from the vet with his cone put the wrong way? Is his head on fire? HAHA! No one knows....

Head on over to Archie McPhee and pick up strange sundries for your friends and family. Featured here are squirrel underpants. There is also a highly-recommended inflatable fruitcake.

At Mental Floss, there is a periodic table shower curtain. Reading material no longer needed in the bathroom with this fine accessory. The perfect gift for the child who will yell in 8th grade, "That table is on my shower curtain!" and then will be mocked and scorned until the 10 year reunion when all those punks are working at Arby's and Dr. Periodic Table on the Shower curtain just came up with the cure for cancer.

Baron Bob is offering a special Yule Doo ornament. I can't top the description from the website: The Yule Doo Christmas Ornament can turn a crappy holiday into an even crappier one. This magnificent piece of poo is sprinkled with glitter and comes ready to hang with a red & green satin ribbon. Fear not, the Yule Doo ornament is unscented. Also of note: the Runny Nose shower gel dispenser.

And last, you can always run over to the clearance section of Crazy Goods.Here is my serious list of some of the best Baltimore stuff (you can ship and order online too!):

Glarus Chocolatier- My friend Angela found this delight when visiting Baltimore. So I can't take credit but I can say. it is, hands down, the best chocolate I have ever had. And I've had a lot of chocolate. Everything from this store is fantastic.

Your Body Needs Signature Blends- My friend Rose has her own line of lotions and potions made from 100% pure essential oils. Now, not only is Rose the nicest person in the world, so I think she infuses her blends with good karma, but these products smell heavenly, natural, and fresh. Her website has a great chart for picking the right blend for you.

I'll have more as time progresses and it becomes impractical to order online. Procrastinators unite! Oh and one more thing:

Weekly Crunch- Oct 31

Votes!

Tuesday is the very exciting day we've all been waiting for... where we can stop seeing these stupid ridiculous ads. And it brings the special people who approve these messages and their followers stand on the side of the road and wave at you, hoping to change your mind through their expression of cheer. Well, voting day doesn't just have to yield you a sticker that "You Voted" that allows you to shout at every person without a sticker "I VOTED! YOU'RE A JERK!" See what the coting attendant says when you ask for some extra stickers, "for your friends".

Marketing News

Gentlemen are being insulted by the new Axe brand packaging. The Axe Detailer Shower Tool??? Are you (and by you I mean Axe marketers) serious??! If a guy was that dead set about not seeming like a wuss in the shower, he'd just scrape his funk off with a trowel.

I might present a new line of "man items" when I have better graphics software at my disposal. I don't think men are fooled by this marketing ploy. Isn't it kind of more wussy to use a specially fabricated "body detailer tool" in the vein of trying to seem manly, then just, you know, slathering up with a var of Ivory? It floats, you know.

Music News

I've had Bell Biv Devoe in my head all week. It goes between the classic hit "Do Me", and "Poison". I want to ask someone to knock me out. I'll take the theme of Gilligan's Island over this.

I'd like to pass on the pain to any of my 1990's bretheren, along with a literary analysis of the song in orange.

Lyrics to Poison :

[Michael Bivins:] Yeah, Spiderman and Freeze in full effect (We don't know who those characters are.)

[Ronnie DeVoe:] Uh-huh

[Ricky Bell:] You ready, Ron? (asking, no doubt, to see if DeVoe is coherent after his mumbled response)

[DeVoe:] I'm ready (Ronnie confirms his conciousness. Everyone is relieved)

[Bell:] You ready, Biv?

[Bivins:] I'm ready, Slick, are you?

[Bell:] Oh, yeah, break it down (Bell is eager to get on with it, perhaps uncomfortable that Biv called him "Slick".)

[Verse 1: Ricky Bell] Girl, I, must(warrrrrn yoooooooooou) (there's danger a'comin')

I sense something strange in my mind

Situation is (seriooooooooous)

Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time (Bell has no helpful suggestions as to how to cure it, however)

It's oh, so (beautifuuuuuuuuul)

Relationships they seem from the start

It's all so (deadllllllllly)

When love is not together from the heart

[Hook:]It's drivin' me out of my mind!

That's why it's HARD for me to find

Can't get it out of my head!

Miss her, kiss her, love her

(Wrong move you're dead!) So, really, we find that Bell should not have been warning this girl about anything. She is the poison. He should have removed himself from the situation.

[Chorus:]

That girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

Never trust a big butt and smile (This is the song's thesis statement.)

that girl is POISOOOOOOOOOOOOOON..

("POISON!!" - Kool G. Rap) (Good Job Kool G. Rap! (everyone look appreciative. I don't think this guy is all there. His rap name is Kool G. Rap, people.) Awesome! I like the way you say Poison, like ya mean it!)

[Verse 2:]

[If I were you I'd take pre-](-cautiooooooooooooon)

Before I start to meet fly girl, you know?

'Cause in some (portiooooooooooons) (Hmmm. That's a vocabulary stretch just for some rhyming, me thinks).

You'll think she's the best thing in the world

She's so - (flyyyyyyyyyyyy)

She'll drive you right out of your mind

and steal your heart when you're blind

Beware she's schemin', she'll make you think you're dreamin'

YOU'LL fall in love and you'll be screamin', demon, HOO..

[Rap Verse: Ronnie Devoe]Poison, deadly, movin it slow

Lookin for a mellow fellow like DeVoe

Gettin paid, laid, so better lay low

Schemin on house, money, and the whole show

The low pro hoe she'll be cut like an aaa-FRO (Cut like an Afro? I don't understand)

See what you're sayin', huh, she's weighin' you

But I know she's a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her! (ahhhh! so is Devoe truly a good representative for facts? He obviously has hidden and deep-seeded issue regarding her.)

POISOOOOOOOOOOOON...

[Kool G. Rap:] ("POISON!!")[Mixing of Kool G. Rap's "POISON!!"] (Good job Kool G.! Maybe after this we'll go for an ice cream.)

[Michael Bivins:]I was at the bar, shake, breakin and takin 'em all

And that night, I played the wall

Checkin out the fellas, the highs and lows (Hmmm. So he swings both ways. Interesting.)

Keepin one eye open, still clockin' the hoes (using a stopwatch, perhaps?)

There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest

Poison as can be, the high power chest (the "high power chest" is something a lot of women ask for when going to a plastic surgeon.)

Michael Biv here and I'm runnin' the show Are you Biv? Or are you scared of the lady?

Bell, Biv DeVoe [Ronnie laughs]..now you know! Yo, Slick, blow.. (Slick has gotten a head cold, and they are helping him blow his nose. It brings up a good point..that the song should end so Slick can go get some rest.)

October 17- Weekly Crunch Pumpkin Edition

The Crunch has been a little inactive lately. Hopefully getting back on the right track.

Politics
Heavens to Betsy, is it over yet? I'm going to run to my poll on Election Day kicking my heels up to not see more debate, ads and new stories on the election. You know what's creepy? When they are debating, and one candidate starts talking, and the other one just starts quietly smirking and laughing. Isn't that kind of odd? It's like they are kids being talked to at the dinner table by their parents. An eye roll or a big sigh would do nicely with the scenario as well, since that's what they are going for.

And then the post-debate discomfort hug (as seen in picture):

"Ok Mom and Dad we're making up. Ok, that's enough. Let go!"
"I'm not letting go until you do."
"We're going to get in trouble again. Quit It!"


Advertising

Remember when I went all karate chop on Sherwin Williams? Well, I was driving and once again saw a truck with a disturbing logo. This time it was the motto that got me.







Does America truly have a "favorite mushroom"? Mushrooms grow in the wet nasty parts of the woods. Now, I eat them, but I don't want to think about them too hard, cause they are kind of gross. I think it's a stretch to claim that our nation has a favorite mushroom. I gamble that if you asked them, 75% would giggle and say, "uh...magic mushrooms?" Not: "Giorgio mushrooms are the best tasting fungus around!! They're a NATIONAL FAVORITE!"

"DaDalala break me off a piece of that... gross. mush. room."

Communications

The other day I was driving and acidentally hit the AM station button. Some pleasant lady talking about fire and damnation was on. I don't really understand why there is still AM radio. Am I missing something? Wikipedia offers some suggestions, including... Some musical genres – particularly country, oldies, nostalgia and ethnic/world music – survive on AM, especially in areas where FM frequencies are in short supply or in thinly populated or mountainous areas where FM coverage is poor. That's understandable. But couldn't the technology be updated? There are satellite radio services, but why is there no satellite free service with lots of advertising? It's nostalgic, I'll give you that, especially with that ol' time crackly sound, but with podcasts, internet technologies, satellites you'd think it would become obsolete. I'm intrigued. (Awesome old dude photo courtesy of johnnyb4, Johnny Barker's awesome photography gallery here. Overuse of word Awesome? Priceless.)

The Weekly Crunch- September 12

Weather Watch- I've never seen weather people get so excited as when there is a storm. Weather casters are already stationed in the most strategic positions to get the best "action wind shots". If news, it's not the weather. I trust the radar; no need to confirm the journalistic credibility by seeing people out in abnormally high winds.

Paparazzi News: Kanye West got arrested for scrapping with the paparazzi. I would smash their camera too. (and I do, whenever they are following me) People always say, "if you are that famous, you ask for it." My view is, you don't ask to get famous. You work as an actor making no money or as a DJ, or a singer, then you get a role in a big movie, or a record deal (who is going to say no?), people think they know you, and then you're being pursued by a pack of wildebeasts on scooters shouting blasphemies about your mother. I think they need to write a clause for paparazzi that essentially says, you are on your own risk level if you want your pictures. There are nice ones, I've seen it, but then there are some real jerks out there.

A Zoinks! Moment- Okay, if you want quite a spectacle, head on over to the SciFi channel for Destination Truth. The basis is that a team of "researchers" travel the globe in search of living representatives of myths and tall tales. Let's talk about the one episode I watched and ended up yelling at the TV. These dorks go up to to a deep lake in Iceland looking for a Worm Monster. They wait until night, and then steal out into the loch on a wee boat, traveling with a sonar kit but not much else. They travel to the middle of the foggy lake. Then, gasp! they are lost..with, as the voiceover says, "With no GPS or compass of any kind". Essentially these foghats get themselves in Scooby Doo-like mysteries and do the STUPIDEST thing possible. The lead fellow didn't even wear at hat, and starts complaining, "The temparature is dropping, and we are open to the elements." These people are like the stupid people in a horror movie going into the woods after hearing a horrible noise. "Hey! Who's there? Jimmy is that you? Jimmy, haha stop messing around. He...lll. o.....CRUNCH. GOBBLE." It's extremely irritating and entertaining at the same time.
I Elect to Stop Hearing About the Election. I cannot wait until this thing is over. We haven't even gotten to the debates yet. It's historical in many ways, and it's interesting to watch SOMETIMES, but overload central. But I did find this great T-shirt you can buy on http://www.thinkgeek.com.

Weekly Crunch- August 1

My original idea for this blog, back about 2 years ago, was to comment on things I found silly or interesting that happened during the week, because I was always talking about entertainment/politics/stupid things at work. Hence the Water-Cooler Worthy logo.

I never really got it going, and then was inspired by Danielle over at Captain Porkchops to just start writing, because her blog is honest and hilarious and always makes my day. And I was a writing major in college, and I have found technical writing to not fill any kind of void on creativity.

Now it's occurred to me that I should attempt to also achieve the original idea. So, if you please; the first "Weekly Crunch". It's a little sparse since this week I was in Florida and dealing with other things. But I'm starting now so I can get in the habit of having it every Friday.

Weekly Crunch- July 25-31, 2008

• Nutrition: New FANCY M&Ms Revealed- This whole new marketing scheme for chocolate with it's ANTIOXIDANTS and FANCY BLENDS is totally fine by me. I'm willing to go along with it. But upon entering CVS this afternoon, now M&Ms have what's called "The Premier Collection" Errrr...was it necessary to go there? You can read more about wacky candy marketing at Mars INSANE website that promotes....health. I love a Mars bar, but I'm not sure I can go for that. (If you are going to try new premier M&MS, don't tell Guy Ritchie).
  
  
• Technology: There is a new search engine at http://www.cuil.com. Apparantly it's just tubular.
  
  
• Movie News: The trailer for the new Harry Potter has come out, as well as the trailer for Twilight, based on Stephanie Meyer's addictive series. Also, the fourth book in her series, titled Breaking Dawn, will be out August 2. I don't know what it is about this series, but it pulls ya in.
  

Weird Bits:

• Reach out to those you love.
• The More You Know...
• Taking You Back.
  
• Trying to Go Back.